Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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