I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I party with great urgency now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
