when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
