YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize