those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
