If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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