im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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