If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
