i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
