i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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