take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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