I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am naked and annoyed.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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