i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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