i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
