my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
