Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
