My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
