The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
