I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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