I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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