maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
