i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
