Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
