I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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