Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
