uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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