if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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