the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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