Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
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