I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
