she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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