so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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