Your face is a jimmy john
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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