My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
