Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize