Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
