I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
