Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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