I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
