i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Randomize
