true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
