It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize