I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
