I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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