Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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