I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
