watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
