I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
