i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
