i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
