K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
