Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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