I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
