Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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