there's paper in my vomit.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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