He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
