It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
