Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So here I am, sexting at work.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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