OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Everything about him screamed your future.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
