I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
