no, he came in my armpit
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
