I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
