My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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