I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
