when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
